The World Goes Round and Round...

You know, sometimes I get pretty pissed with the world.  I can't believe how low it makes me! I feel like scraping my knuckles on the floor and reverting back to ape form. I am so screwed right now too.  Who do I have to tell? No one will listen anyways! This may be one of my last posts so take it for what it's worth.  I would love to sell everything and leave and never come back.

I remember the days when I was a child, I would sometimes find my father in the dark in the living room just smoking and drinking and staring into space.  He asked me if I would like to run away with him.  He said it would be just him and me. No sisters, no brother, no mother, no step mother, just him and me.  I loved my father so I was more than happy to.  What did I have at that time anyways?  I had a friend who treated me like shit. I had siblings who had better things to do than watch their younger sister.  My dad would say that we would run away and live in the woods and forget the world.  We would be like pioneers and live off the land and move far away where no one would find us.

He unfortunately didn't even make it to his retirement. Now here I am - at the same age with the same thoughts except for not drinking or smoking, I sit in the dark and contemplate how fucking crappy I feel right now and wish I could forget everything. I have no plans and no money. I feel as if I have been lied to by everyone and I would happily face death then to continue with life. I have been completely drained and worthless. I feel my talents have been squandered and I have been living a lie hoping that maybe I have something special.  I have nothing special to offer anyone - my love isn't even that special.

So enjoy life for what it's worth because the rest of it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

Poopy Thanksgiving?

Well, what can I tell you? I've had a while to get used to rambling and ranting about things that are of highly no significance to anyone.  So let me just continue with this filth by adding a little more mud.

This is a list of things to which nothing applies:

cornmeal
sponge
tropics
booty
gland
partition
dig
change
wreath
shovel

Nothing pertinent anyways.  They have their own particular meaning to other people I'm sure.

Now I will tell you about my poopy meal that keeps reminding me to take a bathroom run at least every half an hour.  My insides squirm and my lower colon aches with the idea of having to get rid of another fine mess that I've gotten myself into.  There are burbles and quibbles and then it all echoes into my sphincter  that thinks it has to go NOW!  So I am reminded that yes, I did eat the corn and there it goes! More gurgling and churning and back I go again!  My guts haven't been normal for a long time now.

I always had problems going to the washroom when I was young.  One reason possibly being because of the obsession with bathrooms that I've had since a kid where if I was scared or nervous I wasn't pooping and I would become constipated and give birth to what I called 'baseballs'.  How they got out without ripping me apart I still don't know! Everyone (meaning family) was saying it was because I didn't drink enough water.  I think it just was because I didn't want to poop in an uncomfortable place.  Sometimes one has no choice.  Which is what led to a lot of problems going when I was young because I wanted to be in a good place where I wouldn't be interrupted when I pooped - isn't that what we're all looking for?

I once remember having to try to take a crap in the forest. I was worried about poison oak but was also worried about the voices I heard that got closer and I had to try and hold it back from coming.  I hated that day for sure! I also remember a time when I was young when I farted diarea and didn't realize it and had to hope no one noticed...Which no one ever did. That was a rare occurrence having diarea! It would only happen when I was sick and I usually would be sick at both ends!

With it being Thanksgiving I would like to say thanks that I no longer have constipation problems!  I also don't eat like I used to either.  I've given up taking prune juice, senacot pills, and every other remedy for dookie problems.  Now I'm cured!  My stomach works too well sometimes, it even causes me to have problems with acids going into my oesophagus that I have to sleep with two pillows.  I'm never comfortable anymore when I sleep and I wake up with a crooked neck in the morning! Hello old age! It's all downhill from here folks!

Have I made it to New York yet?

Imagine...Seeing my art displayed at Times Square!  How exciting is that? I tell you, it is something that thrills me to the tips of my toes!  I'm no Picasso but I know art! I've wondered if I will ever find someone who will go "I love your works of art!  Give me all of them! Price is no object!"  Yes I am dreaming. That's why I put the word 'imagine' first.

The reality of the art world is that there are a lot of great artists - not just hacks - out there that do a lot better than I do.  The thing is they are not me.  Hallelujah for that!  I am still hopeful but trepidatious because I know there are way too many people waiting to take advantage of my talent too.  I learned by applying to so many different places that are saying...We can show you more if you pay us.  Sorry, all! I can't even afford to pay attention to you anymore!! I'm trying this one because I want to get into the markets that will take my art seriously.  I have L.A. styled art.  I am not a cute little artist...I am a SERIOUS artist!  I am only a clown because I choose to be.  It's a skill set! It's a job to get extra cash because I can't figure out anything else that I excel in other than art.  Art jobs do not find me in St. Catharines or Thorold! I fade out of memory too quickly perhaps.  Oh well!

So, I aim my sights higher...Try New York or L.A. Perhaps I can get further ahead somewhere...Hmmm...Enough talk for now...Time for ACTION!!!

"The Bathroom is the Place!" - William Shakespeare

So, dear Reader, another 'potty' story for you. I'm serious when I say: women are just as, if not more, disgusting than men and they would never let on it was them. Guilty people will never say if they are the ones who mess up a bathroom. Case and point - the other day I went into the cramped little washroom at work and was sitting in one of the stalls when I happened to look around me.

Big mistake!

I was really, really disgusted! Besides the fact that there was dried blood spatters on the far wall (who knows what woman was playing 'rodeo' that day in the stall with her tampon) I had looked on the right and left of me and someone had decided to skip the toilet paper or tissue and took the boogers from their nose and wipe it all over the stall walls. I was grossed out!

We had office cleaning staff who had been there now for weeks and hadn't even tried to clean the toilets obviously because it was dried up and crusty.

So I lodged a complaint to my boss who - she never noticed until I pointed it out to her - was completely disgusted and sent an e-mail for the girls at work to clean up after themselves. She was saying to me: 'Who does this kind of thing? What are they in Grade 3?'

This week I had looked and the cleaners had actually come into the washroom and cleaned our toilets! Yay! But the blood spatters were still on the far wall. Oh well, they never clean as well as I do. They've never had to clean up after old ladies who missed the bowl in the retirement home and had crapped all over the toilet and barely into the toilet. They never had to deal with ladies who flung their poo around the washroom like monkeys! They've never had to deal with the 'ring around the bath tub' where you could remove the dead skin with a palet knife because it was so thick!! I had to clean up so much shit I am disgusted more so with blood and boogers!

If you don't look around when you're in a small washroom - you are smart. It's best not to guess what that mess could be. In the famous last words of Elvis Prestley: "uhhhhhh...." *plop*!

New Thoughts & Potty Stories!

Okay, so it has been a while since I posted and again it comes down to another year. I read through a lot of my old articles and I soooo enjoy my washroom peeves because they are true! I have done a lot of different things this year but I still hate washrooms! Awkward!

If I become a comedian I would also be adding about what kind of things you would see when you walk into washrooms. Especially for 2011, I was on a road trip and I visited MANY washrooms along the way.

Actually, I have to tell this story because it's true, and wished that I had brought the camera in the bathroom with me to document it. I have more pictures of other bathrooms but....

It was in Bracebridge during the magic show with Ken McCreedy, we were going to be doing a show at Bracebridge High School and were looking around for a place to stop for lunch. I don't know if Ken knew about "Marty's World Famous Coffee Shop" but I did know that you couldn't miss it when you came into Bracebridge's downtown area. At this point of the tour I was not really speaking with Ken. He told me that he hated me and wished he'd never hired me and I should stop paying attention to what was going on around me and pay more attention to myself...so I was not telling him anything that would be funny or what I saw anymore because I didn't want to make him any madder than he already was.

The coffee shop was very quaint inside with pictures of all the celebrities who had visited "Marty's World Famous Coffee Shop" in the past. There was a whole wall for writing your name on if you had visited there. It had a spiral staircase that led upstairs to the offices and the owner, Marty, graced us by serving up great Chai Lattes and Butter Tarts (World Famous Butter Tarts!). He had recently published a book which had a lot of good reviews and was sitting on the table nearby for people to take a look at. On entering the place I had noticed on the door that it was hiring...For kitchen staff, cooks, waiters, waitresses and it never really registered why for some reason.

I remember Ken asked the waiter where Bracebridge High School was, as we were waiting for our order, and the waiter (some young teenage guy) 'ummed' and shuffled his feet and quickly just pointed outward 'that way' and made a hasty retreat to the back. Odd.

There wasn't very many people there that day as I recall. A woman was close to the back of the shop and Marty was working the front, the waiter, Ken and I.

So, while we were waiting I had to use the washroom and I don't remember if there was a sign or if I asked where the washroom was that day but I knew I had to go. There was only one bathroom that I could see. I thought, no, I hoped there would be a 'his' or 'her' bathroom, and if there was I didn't see it. I only know that I was near the back of the shop and there was a bathroom with a light on when I came around the corner.

On entering the washroom I lifted the lid of the toilet and immediately was confronted by what I called "Marty's World Famous Bent Biscuit". In my Facebook post I wrote:

"I'm still laughing about it...It looked like a big beef stew with brown paper towel folded into it. I was aghast and took some toilet paper and flushed it down...I had no choice but to use the toilet...I spread out the three long sheets on the toilet bowl rim and hovered over in a squat til I was done. I barely made it out alive!"

This is the truth! It looked like the whole bowl had been filled and instead of using toilet paper they took the dispenser paper and wiped their ass with it. I worried first at the smell and then whether the toilet would overflow on me when I flushed it. It was FULL OF CRAP!! I waited and when it went down did the toilet paper squat over the bowl. I got out of the bathroom and went back to the table. Like I said earlier, I didn't tell Ken because he wouldn't be impressed; he was constipated anyways.

I sat back down at the table, Ken had brought over the tarts to eat and the Latte was there. I ate the tart but the whole time I was thinking: "I hope he washes his hands before he makes the tarts." Before we left there Ken used the washroom but he didn't have to go through the same trama as I did. I never mentioned a word about it to him. Why should I?

To end this article on a positive note the trip was fun and I learned a lot about people. People are funny! There are a lot of funny people out there...Perhaps someone will find me funny for having a bathroom peeve. Do you blame me? I have other peeves too...I will express them in the future. Thanks!

"Stop pretending to hit me and hit me!"

I started blogging in 2004 and I have been trying to understand my life since. Nothing has really changed and yet there is a lot of change going on.

I still feel the same...I feel a little let down. I have only myself to blame, I guess.

I thought things were on the upward swing and yet I see the same things occurring again. Change just doesn't happen as fast as I want it to.

I'm still struggling to get my art a recognized business.

It seems I've gotten better because now I have a sponsor (GRUMBACHER) but I am looking for someone who wants to take up the challenge of learning how to paint from me. I don't know what it takes to get people interested in painting. I get excited about it. It thrills me. Would you be the one who wants to know what I know?

I am part of a group of artists and yet I still feel alienated. Why doesn't anybody call me? I hand out business cards, I try to attend meetings where I don't know anyone to get a foot in the door...Am I that uninteresting? Maybe I have to do something to get people noticing...I just have to figure out what that is! I'm reading a book on how to improve myself so maybe there is a key there!

Seven years! I'm thrilled to see what will be coming. Like back in 2004, I am still excited to see what is going to happen in the future. If we took a look at it in 5 year chunks, I need to do more!

I will be doing a lot more! Starting now!

Is There Life in Outer Space and Are They Watching Us?

Alright all you sci-fi lovers, you alien believers, you other worldly beings who are really out there...And you know who you are!

I have just come to the conclusion that there is life in outer space. I don't know how far advanced they are, but I do know that they do exist. The unfortunate thing is that there are just SO MANY STARS!

Anyone (or thing) that was looking for life on other planets would be searching for something living like them but not knowing where makes it "like searching for a needle in a haystack" to coin a phrase.

Imagine, what would happen if something actually found us?

A lucky guess on their part!

Let's say they noticed our Sun as a star and monitored it to see if there were other planets circling it. They'd discover there was more than one planet but a string of them with perhaps one that was sustainable for possible life.

Extend your belief and think of what the possibilities would be to know that they actually found life.

Here.

They know we exist.

They have been trying to develop the technology so they can monitor what goes on with these 'beings'. They have been unable to reach the planet because they lack the capability of being able to leave their planet and travel that far.

All they can do is watch. Hoping that maybe someday they will be able to actually come to us. Meet us...Hopefully not beat us or eat us!

Video games sometimes make people feel that sensation of being the character but imagine if something were living that experience with you. Imagine this far away life had advanced to the point of watching certain (perhaps important) people, making them feel as if the world revolved around them but in reality it was entertaining something or somebody else that was way out there in the cosmos.

What would they think of us?

Wouldn't we want to be on our best behavior at all times? Maybe showing a little more love to our fellow 'beings'?

Imagine them watching us at this very time - at this very moment. Would they be happy to report the fact that there is life but there has just been a 'disturbance' on the planet.

There have been many big 'disturbances' lately on this planet. Is it cause for concern?

What do you think? Do you think they'd be concerned? Do you think they are worried too?

Should they be? What would their reaction be?

Would you feel responsible enough to try and fix the problem? Where would you start?

This is the reason why I'm sure there is life in outer space.

The unfortunate truth of the matter is still that there is no way for them to know where we are unless we project back out to them somehow. Let them know that we're here. To keep sustaining our life until they arrive. Perhaps we will have the technology to tune into them and be able to see them on their planet too, perhaps even learn what they know.

The sad thing is that most people on this planet don't realize is that they are out there and these depressing wastes of life choose to ignore it and so they also choose to destroy their lives without thinking. There's something out there and we have to live to be able to see it!

We as humans should own up to this issue and do something about it instead of just watching! The only reason I stopped trying is because I know it's already too late! I only hope that they can forgive our sorry lot! Maybe...